My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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