dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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