I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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