She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
