If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
