new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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