you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
