I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
