Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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