God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
