1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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