im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
