I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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