Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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