Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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