Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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