Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
