He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
