That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
