He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
