we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dignity is for republicans.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
