I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
