I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
