i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
