I just gift wrapped bread.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
