I'm gonna have a badass scar
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
