you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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