Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
