I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
