We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
