I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He better not be in your backpack
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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