Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
