Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
