last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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