She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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