am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
