My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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