We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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