so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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