does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize