one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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