Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
