My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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