YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
