i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Enjoy the penises
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
