i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize