you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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