I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
tonight lets celebrate not being married
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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