he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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