I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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