my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
