If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
