No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
