3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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