I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
