I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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