Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
