I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
