I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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