dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
