He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sponge bath it is.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
