I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
