The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize