ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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