I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
